Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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