I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Randomize
