Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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