Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
