Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
