I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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