I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize
