do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
