hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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