Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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