Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
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