his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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