I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Randomize
