Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
