wrigley field is MILF paradise
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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