I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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