i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
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