why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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