Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
