I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
