Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize