Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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