i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
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