i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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