I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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