i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
