I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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