A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
