I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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