Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
