Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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