i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
