you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
