You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
