I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
