hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
