hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
