Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
