I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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