he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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