I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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