there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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