so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Randomize
