If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Ketchup is God's man juice
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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