Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
