There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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