Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
