I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
