Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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