New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
