So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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