In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Randomize
