Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
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