OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
