At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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