it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
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