We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize