Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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