Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
