If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize
