We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
