and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize