Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
